I Can Faith That!
How to go from a stressful and anxious life to one filled with self-care, faith and self-love.
I Can Faith That!
EP 02 | "How Can I Better Handle a RED FLAG FRIEND, LOVER or FAMILY MEMBER?"
Ever wondered why we often ignore glaring red flags in the people we love and care for? Why do we find it so difficult to see people for who they truly are? Whether it's a perpetually late friend or an aggressive sibling, recognizing consistent behaviors can profoundly impact how we manage our relationships and set expectations. We'll also explore how sometimes WE'RE THE RED FLAG without even knowing it. There is often a glaring gap between the values we profess and our actual behaviors—like being judgmental while claiming to be a Christian for example.
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Hey guys, it's Trish. Welcome back to another episode of the podcast. Okay, this is episode number two. Baby, I'm so excited. Today's topic let me tell you Okay, y'all gonna come for me today. Don't shoot the messenger, I'm just saying it, I'm just delivering the message. Today we're going to talk about when people show you who they are. Baby, believe them. Okay, believe them. But this is why I think y'all gonna come for me. When you are showing who you are, I can't tell you how many times people refuse to accept that they are who they are. How do you check yourself? Okay, when you are one way, but you present yourself as if you something else, we don't get into it. It's going to be an exciting episode.
Speaker 1:I don't know what the reason is, but there's something that happens when you're growing up where parents will not teach you this very important rule when people show you who they are, believe them. Not my parents, because my parents were very brutally honest with me, honey. My parents believed in brutal honesty. So perfect example, right, of how not keeping it real with your kid ends up creating adults who don't know how to decipher between the reality of something and the facade. Did I just give a quote? So perfect example.
Speaker 1:So Lil Johnny, right, he's in the schoolyard hitting and being mean. Okay to Maddie. Lil Johnny just hitting her. Every chance he get he pushes her, he makes fun of her, he's mean to her. I will hear adults say, oh, he's just doing that because he likes you, he just has a crush on you. That's why Lil Johnny is hitting you. That's why Lil Johnny's making fun of you. I hate that. He's hitting you because he's a hitter. Lil Johnny's a hitter, that's what he does. He's hitting okay, that's why he's hitting these kids left and right. Okay, lil Johnny's a bully. Let's call a spade a spade. Are there reasons why Lil Johnny's a bully? Absolutely there are reasons. There are things that could have contributed to Lil Johnny being a bully. But stop making it seem like Lil Johnny is bullying this girl because he's a lover, because he loves you. That's why he's bullying you. No, he's bullying you because he's a bully. Like, let's, when people show you who they are, believe them.
Speaker 1:Same thing, like, if Jackie is being mean to I don't know little Susie. I will hear adults tell kids oh, she's mean to you all the time because she just wants to be your friend. I think it starts from when we're young. My parents didn't do that. If little Jackie was being mean to me, you know what my parents told me she probably don't like you. She probably don't like you. Okay, and if she doesn't like you, who cares? Why should you care that Lil Jackie don't like you? Does Lil Jackie pay your bills? Does Lil Jackie put food in your stomach? Does Lil Jackie do this? Just, little Jackie do that.
Speaker 1:It leads to teenagers and it leads to grown people saying silliness like oh, if a guy is very controlling, it's because he loves you. If a girl is extremely jealous, it's because she cares about you. And I'm not talking about when somebody does something once right. I'm talking about when people repeatedly do the same thing over and over and over, right, like if they're respectful every now and then, but most of the time not really believe who they actually are, don't say they're a respectful person. If they're respectful when they feel like being respectful, or they're respectful to certain people but not others. Respectful. When they feel like being respectful, or they're respectful to certain people but not others, they ain't respectful.
Speaker 1:There are other ways that this plays out that isn't as severe. Sometimes it's subtle stuff too. Let me tell you guys. Okay, these are the different situations that are subtle that when that person's showing you who they are believe, believe them. Let's say, you at work and you oversee this staff member, this manager, this whoever is lashing out at another manager or is lashing out at a staff member, maybe proceed with caution with that person. What makes you think that person's not going to lash out at you someday, Like this, is a lasher outer. This is someone who lashes out. Proceed with caution. I'm not about to be all up under you when I've seen how you've treated other staff members the same way you can treat them. That way is the same way I put in my mind. You could treat me that way. I will keep my distance from you as much as I possibly can.
Speaker 1:Here's another example that's very subtle and this is what I said. Remember, I said in the beginning that I think y'all gonna come for me. Remember, I said in the beginning that y'all gonna come for me. This is where it starts. I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready.
Speaker 1:If someone's always late, if they show you okay, every single time that y'all plan to meet up, this person shows up late. You know what that means. Why would you set yourself up to think that this person, who's late nine times out of ten, is gonna suddenly start showing up on time to the point where you get angry every single time. You know what you do when the person shows you who they are, believe them. This is someone who is late all the time. Plan accordingly.
Speaker 1:I have a couple of friends who are always late. At least one of them will show up about 10-15 minutes late. I have a friend y'all this person easily 30 minutes late, 40 minutes late, 45 minutes late easily. And if I didn't value the friendship as much as I value it, this is probably somebody that I probably would just not hang out with, because you showing up 45 minutes late to me is like straight up disrespect of my time. But I value the friendship and I get that. It's not intentional. It's not intentional. They'd be really trying to get there on time, but it's not intentional. You know what I do. I could continue to get angry that this person shows up late all the time. But because I value the friendship you know what I do I will never like for instance, I'm never going to have it so that we meet up at the train station and we get to our destination together? Absolutely not.
Speaker 1:This person is fitting to have me sitting in this subway station for 45 minutes, and if you live in New York city, you know that the New York city public transportation system, the subway system, is not a place that you want to be hanging out for 45 minutes in, especially in the summertime, because it's hot. It's hot. Okay, you know what I do. I will find a cafe in the area. I don't mind sitting in the cafe. We meet up at the cafe. I'll sit in the cafe, read my book, do my journaling. If there's a bookstore, then I'll go to the bookstore and browse and look around. If there's a store like an H&M or something like that, then maybe I'll do some window shopping. I will find things in the area of where we're going that I enjoy doing and that will be the meetup spot.
Speaker 1:So if you show up 40 minutes late, I'm not irritated and irked as much because I've been spending that 40 minutes doing things that I enjoy doing or doing things that I can easily pass the time. How crazy would that be for me to continuously be angry at this person when they've showed me over and over and over again who they are? Like it's, either we stop hanging out because it's not worth it for me to keep going through the aggravation, or, in my situation, where I so value the friendship and I understand it doesn't come from a mean and malicious place and is not that serious to me where I'm willing to just accept who you are and I just plan accordingly. Here's another example Y'all gonna come for me for this one too, because I know that's some of y'all.
Speaker 1:If you have a friend, every time you tell them something, they go and tell someone else. Guess what that person is? Showing you they're a gossiper. Showing you they're a gossiper. Believe them, Believe it. I have another friend. I'm putting my friends on blast. I have a few friends that are married. Right, quite a few of them are married. But I have a friend.
Speaker 1:I noticed that when I would tell her something, the husband would know. And this happened a few times. This happened a few times. So, for example, let's say that I have my sister. I don't have a sister, but let's say I did and I went to my friend and confided in my friend about my sister relapsing and how devastating that has been for our family, for instance. Right, let's say we talked about that and it'll be like weeks later or months later I go to my friend's house or something or like, yeah, go to my friend's house to hang out or something like that, and her husband happens to be there. Her husband will say something like oh, how's your sister doing? Oh, my gosh, my thoughts and prayers to you and your family. And it's like, bruh, I don't even know you, like that, like I'm not telling you my business, I don't know you. A couple times. Right, it happened the first time and I was like okay, that's weird. And then it happened again about something different and I was just like okay, and then it happened a third time.
Speaker 1:You know what this person is showing me? That when I tell them something, she's going to go tell her husband that my business will be her husband's business. And I had to accept her for who she is. When she showed me who she was, I believed it. And from that moment on, this particular friend and once again it's because I do value the friendship and this isn't like you know, I don't want to happen like a couple of times but this particular friend, I don't tell her my business because she's going to go tell her husband I'm not friends with your husband, me and your husband ain't cool like that. I'm a deeply private personal person. So what you're telling me is I can't trust you with my business. So this particular friend, I don't tell her anything that I would feel either embarrassed or ashamed of or feel uncomfortable with her husband knowing Deep, deep, deep stuff.
Speaker 1:I know that I have other friends that I can go to. I can't go to this person. I also know the friends that I have or the people that I have who are in relationships in which their partner, where there's no privacy right, this person has full access to your phone. So I can't be texting you my business, because there's another human being who has full access to your phone, to your messages, who's going to be checking your stuff. And my business is my business. That's personal and private to me and I have every right to want my business to only be in the mouths, in the ears and in the eyes of the people that I want to see, hear or speak it. I have that right. But I can't then be angry at them when they're showing me who they are Like. You're showing me that you're going to go tell your husband, so I can't then be angry when you run and tell your husband I can't, that's on me.
Speaker 1:When people show you who they are, believe it. And if you are that person, I'm saying it your friends need to stop telling you stuff. If it's stuff that they don't want your husband knowing because they ain't cool with your husband, like that. Or they don't want your boyfriend knowing because they ain't cool with your boyfriend like that. Or they don't want your wife or your sister or your partner knowing because they ain't cool with your partner like that. I said it. They need to stop telling you things. They need to stop talking to you about stuff that they don't want your partner to know. Don't shoot the messenger. Don't shoot the messenger. I'm so silly. Same way, if somebody is showing you that they're a kind, genuine person, they're constantly there for you. They're always have your back. They're a safe space for you to come and talk to. They're a safe person for you to talk to.
Speaker 1:Why do we continuously like, test them over and over and over and over? People have phenomenal partners, phenomenal relationships, phenomenal like companions, phenomenal friends, and it's like they're continuously putting them through this stupid test because they refuse to just accept that you got a good one. If you got a good one. You got a good one. Stop testing. Yeah, a, b, c, d, e, f and G. Girlfriend did you dirty, but this is girlfriend H. This is an A through G, so an H is showing you that she's amazing. Why do you keep putting her through the ringer? She's shown you over and over that she's a good person. Why don't you be good to her in return? And vice versa, if you have a guy and he's showing you he's a great person, but it's like we're constantly testing them?
Speaker 1:So I think the second part and I started to get into this, I think the second part of this conversation is being honest with ourselves too. It's very important for you to be honest with yourself, and I'm a big believer in continuously checking myself. Have a close bond or a close relationship with somebody in your life in which they can check you when you're not being consistent, that's amazing, but everybody doesn't have that, and so I think that's why it's important for us to keep checking ourselves, always do an internal check of yourself. Like we'd be so quick to check others. We never want to check ourselves, because your actions speak louder than your words. So if you continue to say something, but your actions are indicating something else. Guess what who you actually are? Are them actions?
Speaker 1:Baby, you got to be able to check yourself too, right, and so if you're constantly getting jealous but then you want to be on some, I don't have trust issues. I don't have trust issues. Okay, I don't have trust issues, ain't nothing wrong with me. But yet you constantly like let me check your phone, let me check your messages, let me go on your Instagram. I gotta have all your passwords. I gotta know what you're doing every second of the day. Facetime me so I can see where you at. Let me see your background. Who that? I hear a girl's voice when you showing people who you are. Baby, believe it, you got trust issues. It's okay, you can work through them. There's therapy. There got trust issues. It's okay, you can work through them. There's therapy, there's journaling, there's all kinds of ways to get through it. But you got to be honest with yourself, right, like?
Speaker 1:And I think that sometimes we want to put the blame on the external Like oh, I don't got trust issues. Okay, he's the one that be making me mad. I'm not insecure he be making me not trust him. Or I'm not insecure, I'm not controlling he be making me do that, or she be making me do that, or my kids be making me. My kids make me do it. I'm just the messenger, I'm a Christian.
Speaker 1:Right, people walk around talking about how they're Christians but yet, ooh baby, they so judgmental, so condescending, unkind, huge gossipers. Or they're judgmental? Oh, look at what she wearing in church. Oh my God, why is she wearing that Da-da-da-da-al? Oh, look at what she wearing in church, oh my God, why she wearing that? Oh my God, you a Christian, but yet you don't live your life being Christ-like. Ma'am, sir, a Christian who doesn't even try to be Christ-like, I just, I don't know, go from zero to 100 real quick and feel no ways about it, don't feel bad about it at all, but on Sunday he a Christian, she a Christian, it's like I. Just here's another example that I see it all the time Somebody's talking about how they're the head of the household I'm the head of the household, but then they don't want to protect or provide.
Speaker 1:And when you are like providing, you complain about it all the time. And when you are like providing, you complain about it all the time. Sir ma'am, you're not head of a household, you're a complainer. You don't like protecting and providing. Let's call a spade a spade. Let's just call it what it is. God, y'all gonna come for me.
Speaker 1:Let me stop. Let me stop giving examples, because I keep going. I could keep going hey, baby, you will flip these tables real quick. Okay, flip tables, throw drinks real quick. You even look at my man, but I'm a relaxed girlfriend. Oh, let me stop. Let me stop. I'm crazy, but anyways, I think that's important for us to check ourselves.
Speaker 1:And so how do we start being who we say we are? We have to start the actions. Remember that actions speak louder than the word, and I'm learning this too, right, I'm learning this more and more. There's certain things that I've told myself, right, like I am this person, but when I stop and think about my actions, does it align and sometimes it doesn't, right. So a great example of that for me is I would like to think that I'm a giving person, but y'all, I'm frugal.
Speaker 1:It's a little hard for money to leave my hands. That's something that I'm working on. If I want to say that I'm a giving person, I need to be somebody who gives. I'm not a giving person if I don't give. You know, instead of using things that I hate to give them away to others who would really really love them. Right, because I have this habit where I do that I'll use up fragrances that I hate. I will use them up, but it's like no, why don't you give them to people who will actually use them and will enjoy them? Yes, you paid money for it, but it's the act of giving that matters, versus seeing it from the perspective of oh man, I paid for this. I don't want to lose my money's worth. And then I also want to be someone who operates from an abundance mindset and not a scarcity mindset.
Speaker 1:I want to be somebody who's a person of faith. I want to be faithful, I want to be a person full of faith. But if I'm constantly worrying and constantly being afraid and constantly overthinking and constantly being anxious, then I can't say that I'm a faithful person. I can't say that I'm a person of faith. I can't say that I believe in God to see me through if I'm constantly scared and worried and anxious about whether or not God's going to see me through this particular thing. I'm trying to get to a point where I'm not so much of an overthinker and I'm not someone who's constantly stressed out and anxious and worrying and trying to plan the future and who's always just kind of living with anxiety. Like I'm actively trying to be what I say I am.
Speaker 1:If I say I'm faithful, I'm trying to live that embody that. I'm always trying to plan things and come up with plans A through Z and then go back and come up with A1 through Z1. So I say all that to say when people show you who they are, believe them. And when you are showing people who you are, believe it. And if who you want to be doesn't align with who you actually are in this moment, it's important for you to recognize that and to actively take steps on becoming that better version of yourself and becoming that person that you are telling people you are or that you're telling yourself that you are All right. So that is it for this episode of the podcast and, yeah, I'm going to see you guys next week for episode three. I have some topics. I have about five topics right now, so I don't know which one is going to be episode three, but we'll see. We'll see. That's it, guys. It's Trish signing out. Bye.